There is a quiet, loud, good, not so good frustration that comes when you live with a latent dream in your heart. Sometimes it expresses itself outwardly in big displays of dissatisfaction....other times it is a reticent battle that wages war, only the bearer of knows it's intensity. This can positively bring about a stepping out in faith as well..action. The good and not so good frustration is part of that debate that says... I know where I want to go...but how to get there, I don't.
I remember the first time I felt this feeling as a 13 year old girl. I was at a junior high camp and there was another girl my age who got up on stage at the end of the camp week talent show and sang "Friends are Friends Forever" by Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant. She was very good and very cool..and I sat mesmerized by her gift,...but in the same vein, felt a stirring rise up in me and a "good" frustration. Somewhere inside of me was a dream, a destiny, a purpose that had been suppressed. Her singing, her expressing her heart in the way that she did, in the venue where she was, was a catalyst to unlock the acknowledgement of that which was inside my heart.
Fast forward. I am sitting here at nearly 11 p.m....writing a few set lists for some upcoming events. These are in the company of hundreds of composed set lists of songs....some of which I've played hundreds of times over. I change these sets up every so often to better "fit" the venue. To speak what is in my heart. To play a cool new song. (Never have I added in "Friends are Friends Forever") The beauty in repetition is preparedness, familiarity, and time saving. The frustration of it is, to a musician/band, it can feel uninteresting and monotonous. To combine the two camps..all the while listening to the holy spirit, asking how and what? Weighing all that life throws...I compose these lists. Hundreds of lists. This work being done and I'm sitting at the laptop taking in, listening to the new songs of an admired artist of mine that inspires and provokes my heart, that which brings the good and not so good. ;/
This is the dream. I experience. I feel. I interpret. I play. I write. I sing. I pray. I finish. I share. I record. I share more. I pray more. I see God move the hearts of people. This mystery that my little life, and little songs can actually reach a heart? That it might cause a stirring? That an aspect of Him, who He is might be revealed in a new way? .....................who am I?
Several times, I have heard this. The things and people and experiences that provoke your heart toward a "holy" or good frustration about what you desire in life...could be a window into your calling or destiny. I have encountered this several times throughout my life. Not to be mistaken with envy or covetousness....it is rather a sense of awakening to that which I know is already placed at my nucleus. The frustration comes in realizing this and the road that needs to be traveled to fully get there. Not to mention that others seem to be so far ahead. So far ahead.
I've seen some fantastic displays of "only God could do this" seasons of my life. I'll never forget hearing Dave Lubben sing his song "Speak to Me" live at my CD release concert for 'Resolution'. I was sitting back stage remembering how years prior, I played this song over and over on my kitchen CD player, never having met him.,,never imagining I would ever work with him, or anyone in the industry for that matter. It was a profound moment....like a christening into my ministry. I hear the testimonies of those who are "so far ahead" saying "only God could do this". So it builds my faith to say..only God...only God. He has done "far more than I could ever ask or imagine"....using..me. I have experienced God bringing me into territory I never thought I would go. But am I the less than duplicate of something and someone else who is already going strong..doing it "better"? Why try..why put one foot in front of the other? It can be paralyzing. Does God really fashion some cut from the same cloth..but unique in their pattern and size?? My faint heart..relying on myself far too often says.."but if you were just...."..then a whisper comes..."only God". I take another step down the road.
I just got home from a sixth grade camp retreat with my son's class from school. Last night the girls from his class practically dragged me out of the shower to come and sing worship songs with them at close to their 11 p.m. bedtime curfew. As we sang..dozens of girls sat, starred, worshipped God...and perhaps a hidden dream was unlocked in one of them? In my showered, no makeup scrubbed clean face, flat hair, plain jane self......only God could unlock these hearts. :) And I am "his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10
I just keep walking down the road..some are much further ahead...but I know there are plenty further behind as well. My purpose remains in His purpose..sometimes a mystery to me, but nonetheless I just keep walking. Sometimes I walk full of joy with a spring in my step.. other times I walk with tears streaming down my cheeks. At times I may have to be pulled along..or even carried...other times I am carrying some with me. This is the journey.....and only God knows the way.